The overwhelming freakiness of existenta-WHAT?!

"IS THAT ALL THERE IS?" by Peggy Lee continually is running through my head these past few days. It is not that I'm dissatisfied with life, its just that I'm dissatisfied with what the tricky cards of love have dealt me. And no, I won't explain, but this song might...

SPOKEN:
"I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
in his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire"
SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is
SPOKEN:
And when I was 12 years old, my father took me to a circus, the greatest show on earth.
...I had the feeling that something was missing.
I don't know what, but when it was over,
I said to myself, "is that all there is to a circus?
SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is
SPOKEN:
Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away and I thought I'd die, but I didn't,
and when I didn't I said to myself, "is that all there is to love?"
SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
SPOKEN:
I know what you must be saying to yourselves,
if that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment,
for I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,
when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath, I'll be saying to myself
SUNG:
Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is..."

The message is holding clear onto me like a boa constrictor. I find life more meaningful than Peggy Lee does in this song, I enjoy the moments that I have for exactly what they are, but...Well, she just hits a really low-ringing heart string in me with the pessimism, nihilism, and fatalism. Peggy Lee oddly echoes the poetry of Anne Bradstreet. I find it quiet interesting that Peggy Lee's song may be drawing upon this classic "first" female American poet. Her poem, "Verses upon the Burning of our House" seems to put forth the same message as this song, (especially the first stanza of the song). My, my, I really need to get back into academics, don't I? Maybe that is why I feel lost, and why I had a dream I forgot my name last night. My identity was gone, like Peggy Lee's "no hurry for that final disappointment" I felt that if I did find out who I was I would be disappointed and think "is that all there is?" Scary, isn't it? To see an end to your self or your identity. In the dream I had to search and search and search for my driver's license in order to verify my self to myself. I never found my license.

This wave of panic incited by my forgotten identity I think was spurred by the amazing film I heart huckabees. I viewed this film last night with Janet K, Jessie K, Andrew Crocker, Carrie, and Kendell Kline. The particular line that I'm now thinking of that inspired the crisis of this dream was:
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?
How am I not myself?

Think. It gets overwhelming, doesn't it?

How am I not myself?